If You Can Speak Cambridge English You Will Become More Powerful Than You Could Ever Imagine
Yesterday 39 of my pupils received their Cambridge certificate results. All of the little buggers passed, God bless their little cotton socks. Now they can proudly add an English qualification to their CVs and tell the world that they can do English.
The certificate involves five exams – reading, writing, listening, speaking and English in use. The last being the most important. Without 'English in use' my pupils wouldn't be able to use their new found English. They would end up incoherently spewing random English words like Bobby De Niro at the end of Cape Fear. No, of course they wouldn't. What is the case, however, is that someone, or more accurately some kind of evil English God, is making a whole lotta money. Raking in my poor little babies' Swiss Francs, as well as their souls.
Each year the evil lord of the English language, residing in his castle in Cambridge, forces thousands of dreamers to get down on their knees and suck his multi-pronged cock. Feeding them bullcrap such as: “I will make you rich and successful in the English-speaking global economy” or “you will be Germany's next superstar and you will be able to cover songs such as 'Shake Your Love' by Debbie Gibson without any hint of a German accent.”
The Cambridge certificate is a near monopoly, promising that with it people can study at English-speaking universities and work for big global companies, earning the big bucks. The Swiss matura is far better than having a C grade in the 'first certificate' and won't set you back CHF350 (225 Euro). Most of the exams are marked within milliseconds by the Prince of Darkness' computers while the rest is left to his demon minions, scribbling corrections in blood-red ink, deep down in his underground lair.