Michael Schuhmacher was today relegated to last place on the Monaco grid, after he deliberately stopped and let his engine stall during his final qualifying lap, preventing other racers from recording a faster lap. He made some clumsy moves in a hairpin turn, but it wasn't enough to fool the race stewards, who took an eight-hour break from delivering nuts and plastic-wrapped foods in order to decide how to punish the seven-times Formula One World champion's new crackpot scheme. Many consider it no small humiliation for the skewy-chinned Teutonic man. The Germans are very proud of Schuhmacher's technique, but this has revealed a darker side to his perfect professional approach.

In other news, this British man has recently installed a new fireplace in his home in West Pennard. In this picture he is tired but looking pleased with his work. It was no mean task, our sources reveal, and required a combination of skill, intelligence and physical preparation. You've definitely earnt that cuppa, Tony!