Here's something you can do if you get so bored of everything you can't bear to see yourself in the mirror anymore - re-arrange the names on this sheet and send them to a friend. If he has anything to offer he can send you another set of shirts back and that way a little message would flash from one person to the next and maybe one day one of you will care about something. Or else you can ask him to come over and shoot you and then you wouldn't have all the bother of the World Cup.

Here are some of the things lying round in Berlin: a pair of giant silver shoes, a mini-stadium, where you can watch a football match and the Black Eyed Peas in one night, an old Communist tower whose end they have painted so it looks like a football. It is the colour of T-Com.

You can try and jump from this tower too, and on the way down you'll see some fat people fighting and that'll cheer you up about the decision you've made.