Never go into a sauna with your swim shorts on in Germany, one book advises, for instance. You didn’t know that, did you? Germans have this long tradition of taking any opportunity that presents itself to present themselves. Naked, I mean. It’s just what they do. Deal with it. They go shopping at Aldi naked (or at least that’s what I heard once). So saunas are no-brainers, okay? Remember: Swim shorts still on? You’re an American.

Another author notes that Germans are practically impossible to recognize. As being Germans, he means. And he’s absolutely right, too. I can count the times on my right hand that I’ve run across Germans on Alexanderplatz traipsing around in Lederhosen or Dirndl. Or in both. So watch out what you say. It’s kind of like “The Invaders”.

Another guy notes that they also have “special” obsessions here that they are particularly obsessive about. They call them “cars”. Like, how right on the money is that? Never get into a German’s car. It’s a no-win situation. The chances are much too high that one or two microscopic dust particles of yours could get it dirty or the swim shorts you forgot to take off while in the sauna could get it wet. Most German cities have wonderful public transportation systems. They have to, you see. So take the U-Bahn for crying out loud. Or walk.

So give yourself a push and go out there and buy one of these survival handbooks before you jet over here. Buy all of them, for all I care. I, for one, will not be needing them because I’m not going to take any chances whatsoever and won’t be leaving my apartment during the entire World Cup extravaganza.

No tickets, for one thing.

And I have also prepared myself for all eventualities having bought a four or five crates of rice and beans and potable water. And some beer, too. So I may not survive this sporting event easily, but I can certainly try and do so with a little dignity.