So Federer beat Tim public school boy Henman at Wimbledon today. The darling of the Daily Mail was soundly thrashed by the psychological vacuum that is Roger Federer. He never had a chance, and even Tim's lame-brained sheep on Henman hill couldn't pretend anything else.

Why do English people insist on playing sport? Sport doesn't suit the English - they just haven't got the cultural training for taking it seriously. Everyone knows what the English are good at, and you don't need determination, reflexes, discipline and slavish efficiency for any of them. Here is a compact list of what the English are good at:

1: Drinking.
2: Saying things that have wit but no substance.
3: Being emotionally indirect.
4: Being proud of being poor.
5: Violence.

You see Tim? These are your talents - use them. It's no good working on your forehand for hours on end - there's always going to be some over zealous German with a brain that's had the irony burnt out of it with frozen nitrogen who'll up be at six in the morning running up sand dunes. Just leave it. You know better than that.