Are you ready? Of course you're not

The bird flu is finally coming to our town. We know the first human-to-human contact happened two days ago, which signifies that we've entered Phase 3 of the pandemic alert period, which means it's time to assess, assess, assess.

We all need a "girl with a plan," as Cam'ron famously puts it, but what about a plan for the bird flu? The print media, who like us to be real into them, suggest that now's the time. We always knew that bird flu was going to cross the line, but in the time it takes for the disease to further adapt to our particular way of defending ourselves, a plan is a huge priority -- again, according to our print friends. These plans range from somewhat alarmist to large-scale and practical. Schwarzenegger's making a $400 million avian flu fund to show his constituents that he cares about California -- it's an empty gesture, is what I'm trying to say.

Finally, bird flu "kits" are being distributed to Californian schools. The kits contain "preparedness information, fact sheets on symptoms, prevention and health care tips and guidelines should schools need to be closed." Early tests prove they are excellent at scaring the shit out of grade school kids.