Buzzard Threat Level Raised, Too
As if worries about a possible terrorist attack in Germany weren’t bad enough, environmental experts and EU critics believe that the threat of a buzzard attack somewhere in the country is also now very real. It appears that a combination of bird and bird watcher’s “chatter”, several suspicious sightings in Belgium and the Netherlands and an obvious lack of anything better to get excited about at the moment has led many concerned sky-gazing citizens to the conclusion that a group of about 140 buzzards is planning an attack upon the Federal Republic of Germany.
Similar to last year’s sightings, the birds were spotted cruising on thermal updrafts 3,000 feet up about a week ago. Uncharacteristic for northeast Europe, environmentalists believe that the buzzards are either planning to poison our water supply, blow up a nuclear power plant or maybe just headed north due to a lack of food in Spain. In the past Spanish farmers could leave their dead cattle out in the pastures, so one argument, but this has been prohibited by the EU ever since mad-cow disease.
“We suggest that everyone leave the country immediately,” one spokesman said. “Short of that, you need to take extreme care of any small animals you may be keeping as pets. These birds have actually been known to attack calves and baby sheep, you know. And, oh yeah, if you have any children, you might want to keep an eye on them, too.”
It is unclear at this point if the hungry predators have established any ties to Islamic terrorist groups currently operating in Afghanistan, but a spokesman for the Federal Ministry of the Interior could not yet rule this out yet. “Believe me, we are alarmed,” he said. “Jeez. The very thought of it just gives me the creeps.”